Personal

John Mayer Lyrics Reveal the Inner Workings of a Facebook Stalker

There was a period in my life when I was near to graduating from UCT and I listened to a lot of John Mayer. I’d gone through a break up and I turned to his music for consolation. Predictable you say?

Go read someone else’s blog.

It seems trite now, but it’s pretty funny that John (a musical cretin who feeds on the vulnerabilities of the female sex) helped me get over a fellow smooth operator – who for the purposes of this blog post will now be referred to as Sir Douche. But I’m getting ahead of myself here.

During this dark time, I had a revelation:

John Mayer’s lyrics ‘I’ll watch your pretty life play out in pictures from afar’ could probably be compared to the common activity of Facebook stalking one’s ex. Not so romantic eh? From ‘afar’ is really just the other side of a pc screen, and those pictures – depending on how snappy happy you are – could be providing your ex with a giant collage of material. All I’m saying is: it might be time to invest in some pepper spray, a gun or the spiffiest weapon of them all, PRIVACY SETTINGS.

BUT, what if you’re the one doing the stalking? I foresee a few critical looks here. And my response to those looks is… really? You’ve never FB stalked someone? You’ve never even felt the inclination?

#DENIAL

Which brings me back to Sir Douche. I, a normal human being of the 21st century with access to the Internet AND a brain, felt the urge to look him up on Facebook. And I wish he’d invested in privacy settings. Basically, poor sap that I am, happened to stumble on a graveyard of content that I’d have been faaar happier not knowing, and it left me feeling awful. Luckily I was in the privacy of my home, though I probably should apologise to the neighbourhood kiddies who heard me screaming ‘WTF?!!!??!!’ My last scrap of dignity was wrestled from me by a Facebook algorithm. And then this happened…

Yep, this is the Bridget Jones version of me after engaging in Facebook stalking activities.

My tip of the day when confronted by something seemingly harmless?

You think it’s a cute cuddly panda, until it does this:

The same goes for Facebook stalking your ex. It seems harmless, but don’t do it. Turn on your privacy settings and carry on with your life. You’re better off. Sir Douche can ninja off into the digital abyss – hasta la vista style. Happy Sunday singletons.

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